When adoption is not worth it… yet
When adoption is not worth it… yet.
It has been a rough two weeks here in the Muller house. We got a situation in our email a couple Thursdays ago that held the description of my baby—the “perfect” one that I had envisioned in my brain. I ran downstairs to tell Jake about it and we immediately said “yes” to presenting our profile to the birth mom (after perusing 40 some pages about the birth mom and praying).
Then the arduous wait began. We were presented to the birth mom and then waited to see if we had been chosen. You see, contrary to popular belief, we don’t have much control in the domestic infant adoption process. We make the first move so to speak, but the birth mom ultimately makes the call as to who gets to parent her child. I am all for this and think it is awesome, but it sure makes life on this end painful. During the wait time, you make plans, think about how perfect this little girl will be, look at her clothes, write notes to her, get all kinds of excited etc.
So, as I was at the mall returning something last night I got the dreaded “…she chose another family.” email. Immediately, I questioned why and also how can I bounce back from this yet again. This was our third rejection in the past few months.
After each rejection, you just feel so hurt. When you say “yes” to presenting, you are committing to raising that child, funding the adoption, and dealing with all of the physical and emotional challenges that come with the child. You are saying “That is my baby, if you want her to be ours.” The amount of investment that is involved is lofty. Which make a “no” the hardest thing to handle.
I feel like I didn’t know how miserable this process was going to be. Adoption is not necessarily promoted as the easiest process on Earth, but I didn’t know the depths of despair that we’d be spun into.
Many who have adopted keeps telling us “it will be worth it.” I wholeheartedly agree and have faith that it will, but right now we aren’t there. Right now we are in a valley that we don’t know when we will get out of. It’s like we get glimmers of hope when we present to a birth mom, like we’ve almost made it out of the depths only to be told no and to slide back down in the valley, deeper than we were in before.
Many who are on the outside keeps telling us “That wasn’t the baby God has for you.” Again, I wholeheartedly agree, but right now it felt like it was supposed to be. I felt like I lost a child that I never knew and it hurts.
So, right now, we are still waiting. Most of our days are filled with tears, questions, but most importantly, unwavering faith and unwavering love for each other and for our God who is over all. We are waiting on all of those promises, those “it will be worth its” to come to pass. But waiting in the “not yet” is not a fun place to be.